Relearning the Song of your Heart
by the ticking clock
Summary: "A friend is one who knows the song of your heart and can sing it back to you if you've forgotten the words." Saphira helps Eragon find himself after all the trauma he has experienced. set after book 4. slight AU.


A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

- Bernard Meltzer

* * *

><p>The nightmares still tormented him, even after so many years.<p>

_The __blood, __the __screams...the __pleads __for __the __pain __to __end...the __white __hot __burn __of __the __fire, __the__ sound __of__ the __high __insane __laughter..._

_ Saphira, screaming in pain, writhing and twisting-_

_ Oromis, broken and bleeding on the ground...Galedr's heartbroken howls ringing through Eragon's mind..._

_ Arya plunging forward into the battle, her sword drawn back, throwing herself into a line of death..._

_ And their joined pain as the knives cut through him, the feeling of being alone in the dark, tortured and broken-_

Eragon sat bolt upright with a strangled yelp and sat panting for several minutes, slowly calming himself. It was over...it was over...

Wasn't it?

Standing, he pushed his way out of his tent and ran out into the black night. Running would clear his head. it would banish the images of death and pain and fear-

He breathed deeply and easily, his bare feet digging into the soft soil, his eyes seeing nothing but the blur of trees swaying all around him as he fled.

But the memories refused to leave.

Stumbling, he fell to his knees on the forest floor and remained there, trembling and gasping, the hot stinging tears trickling down his face like rain. He wrapped his arms around himself and rocked back and forth, clenching his eyes shut against the relentless flow of salt water.

_Little __one._

He didn't look up. He knew she was there, he could feel her in the back of his thoughts, hear her soft breath close by his head, her claws as they rasped over the bark of a tree branch.

She settled down beside him, folding her wings flat against her back and waiting.

Eragon dragged his am across his eyes; the fabric was rough against the sensitive and raw skin of his cheeks. He sucked in a shaky breath and whispered, very softly, _Saphira._

He heard the dry rustle of her scales as she swung her head around to look at him, but he did not meet her eyes. _yes,__Little __one?_

He clenched his eyes shut and pressed his palms against his face, cursing softly under his breath.

_ I am haunted...haunted by a thousand ghosts...haunted by the past. I can not be free of it. Every night I endure the torture again, the deaths again, and I wake knowing that I will never see any of them, ever again. _

_ Arya is not dead. _

He let out a sound that might have been a growl, a low rasp that came from the back of his throat, _to me, she is.  
><em>

_ Oh, Eragon..._

_Please__ don__'__t __Saphira.__ I __can__'__t __bear __it._

She was quiet for a long time, and he blocked her from his mind so he could relive the memories again...painful though they were, they were all he had left...

_Roran,__ dancing __with __Katrina, __a __look __of__ pure __joy__ on __his __face..._

_ Nausada, her brilliantly white teeth flashing in a smile..._

_ And Murtagh, wrapping his arms around his dragon and smiling the first true smile Eragon had seen in years..._

_ And then the screams-_

Eragon quickly shook his head before the memories grew too painful. He reached up to touch his face and found his cheeks were wet once again.

_Let__ me __in, __Eragon._Saphira's mind swept through his defenses, and she merged their thoughts once again.

He shivered. Her emotions combined with his were too overwhelming. Her mind was to overwhelming. He started to build shields around himself, again, to block her-

_Eragon._

_ I can't Saphira! I can't!_

She snorted, he felt a flash of heat on the back of his neck as tongues of flame escaped her nostrils. _Eragon...have __you __forgotten__ what __it __means __to __be __a __Dragon __Rider?_

He clenched his jaw and stared out into the distance, refusing to answer. He was unsure of how he felt, what he should say. Their bond felt different now...alien and strange. He wanted to be alone. He did not want her in his mind...the experience was to overwhelming. He had seen so much, endured so much, and her strength had helped him through the horrors. but now...now he was changed. He was old and tired. He was so sick of this, sick of the nightmares, sick of the guilt he felt, the hollow ache, the pain, the grief, the anger...his hands curled into fists and he threw his head back, face contorted in a grimace, gritting his teeth with the force of his emotions. He was so tired...so angry and so very alone.

He missed the past. He missed who he used to be...the boy who ran through the fields with his dragon, the man who never gave up, the inspirational leader, the brother, the Rider the peace-maker...he had lost that Eragon. All he had left was the ghost of himself...and the terrible memories of that former life.

The ground trembled under his feet and he frowned, lowering his head and looking around for its source. It was only when he heard a soft keen that he froze, realizing what was going on.

Saphira was crying.

Her body trembled and shook, soft whimpers escaped her throat, and her lip was curled back in a snarl. He heard the crack of a tree as her tail lashed back in forth, snapping it in half.

Eragon sat silently while she keened, pressing his palms flat against the earth and feeling it vibrate under his fingertips. He felt oddly hollow as he listened to his dragon lament...was she crying because of him? Because of what he had become?

_Saphira?_

A soft snarl answered him.

He closed his eyes. Now he not only felt old, but an unmeaserable feeling of grief welled up inside him, the ache for another life, the one he had left behind. He was no longer Eragon the Dragon Rider. He had become Eragon the old man. And he hated himself for it. How could he have forced his dragon to endure this? How could he have blocked her, shoved her way when she so desperately needed him too?

When did he become such a monster?

_Saphira..._words failed him. He did not even know where to begin...what he should say or do. He let out a shuddering breath and removed the barriers around who he was, this new, horrible Eragon, leaving his mind vulnerable to his dragon.

She did nothing at first, simply continued to keen quietly, keeping her mind to herself. Maybe she was afraid of him...afraid that he would push her away again.

_I__'__m__ sorry._

_ Eragon..._

He turned to look at her, allowing his eyes to roam over her sinuous form, her ivory claws, her sparkling scales, the spikes along her arched neck, her gleaming sapphire eyes. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Completely overwhelmed, he buried his head in his hands and sobbed. He cried until his chest ached from the pain of it, until he could hardly breathe.

_I__'__m__ sorry!_He shouted over and over. _I__'__m __so,__so __sorry...Saphira, __Saphira...I__'__m__ so-_ he clenched his fingers in his hair and let out a raw scream of pain and frustration, of self-hate..._I__'__m __so __sorry. __Saphira...my __dragon.__My __other __half. __I__ have __turned__ into __the __very __monsters__ we __used __to __hunt, __haven__'__t__ I?__ I__'__m__ weak __and__ old __and __angry...I__'__m __so,__so __sorry-_

Her consciousness rushed into him like a flood of warm water, her thoughts tender and gentle. He sighed, and for the first time in what felt like years, he simply allowed their connection to deepen, for their minds to meld together again.

Saphira's warm wing wrapped around him, pulling him against her. She snagged her head around press her cheek against hiss, a low rasping purr rippling in her throat. _Oh __Little __one...I __am __so __proud __of__ you._

_ For? _

She pulled back and regarded him with eyes that reflected the stars. _you __found __yourself __again, __Eragon._

_ I'm sorry. I can't say it enough. _

She growled and cuffed him lightly on the head with the edge of one of her massive wings. _I __understand__ Little __One.__I __tried __to __help, __I __tried __so __many __times,__but __this __was __something __you __needed __to __discover __by __yourself.__You __wouldn__'__t __let __me __in...I__ felt...alone...for __awhile. __you __locked__ yourself __away __from__ me, __until __I __could __only __just __feel __you __slipping __and __sliding __in __the __back __of __my __mind. __I__ knew __my __sweet __Rider __was __in __their __somewhere..._

Cupping her snout with both hands, he pressed his forehead against hers. _I__'__m__ back __now._

_ I know. _

_ I will never leave like that again, I promise. _

she purred, pressing her head closer to his and deepening their connection with a single thought: _I __know __Little __One, __I __know._

Eragon flung his head back, looking up at the twinkling stars. For the first time in many years, a sense of peace came over him, a calm acceptance of what was. He couldn't change the past, he couldn't linger on what had happened, he could only move forward. He would never forget his friends, but he still had Saphira. He had the only one who truly understood him, the only one who was willing to wait so long for him to come back. He had the other half of his soul, and now, that was all he needed.

A grin spread across his face and he pulled his head back, ecstatic joy threatening to overwhelm him. _Saphira?_

She cocked her head, sensing the change in his emotions and wondering at it. _Yes,__ Eragon._

He took a deep breath and swung up onto her back, settling into his usual seat and wrapping his arms around her neck.

_Let__'__s__ fly._

Their bond deepened until they became one being. They clenched their talons deep into the earth and crouched, raising their wings-

And then they threw back their head and roared their joy at the sky.

As Saphira flung herself into the air, she whispered to Eragon, _Are __we __one __again, __little __one?_

It was a rhetorical question, but Eragon wrapped his arms tighter around her neck in a hug and said softly,

_We__ are __one._


End file.
